Growing hurts! Just as we wrapped up the session, my coach summarized what I was feeling and experiencing .. because of .. growth.
To please or disappoint
Three weeks had past and I didn’t fulfill the assignment she left me with. Right from the start, it felt wrong. I didn’t say anything at the time, because I also thought it would work out. I had made an agreement with somebody, my coach, surely that would count for something.
Wauw!, just writing this down made me realize how much I depend on the carrot and sticks method of getting into action. Please or disappoint.
Why wasn’t I doing the things I knew I had to do? It wasn’t like I did nothing at all. I read a great, inspiring novel, I read a self-help book on finding your core values and living them, I continued and started MOOC’s (more on that in a future post), I saw Her, Monuments Men, Nebraska and 12 Years a Slave, and watched a lot of YouTube BBC documentaries on the universe (also more on that in a future post). All of it not at all very useful to what I had to do.
But I didn’t know how to turn it around, and kept hoping tomorrow would be better. In the last week the nerves kicked in. How was I going to explain myself?
When the walls are scratching against your skin, a paradigm shift is needed to break through the old boundaries and sometimes that hurts.
Somehow in all the procrastination and resistance, there’s room for insights. The best ones usually come just as I walk towards my coach’s practice.
Taking the right action
I was torn between what I think I have to do and what I want to do. What I thought I had to do is go find a next ‘real’ project and earn some money, what I want to do is create, write and work on all the ideas that I have. By forcing myself to focus on the first I didn’t allow myself to do the other.
With a lot of tears I told my coach I wanted her to help me go for what I want. If it meant failing (because yes! there’s a lot of fear too), than at least I had tried and if it also meant taking any job on to support myself, I was willing to. But I knew I had to turn the order around, first comes the want to than the have to. All the things that didn’t support what I had to do, in actuality do support what I want to do.
It was time for me to worry more about pleasing or disappointing myself, instead of pleasing or disappointing others.
See it through
Growing hurts! That simple statement helps me so much. It’s okay to feel frustrated and fearful, but see through it, let yourself discover why it’s there, what the hidden message is. Instead of resisting I’m ready to go through it and very confident it will be better on the other side.